10 ways to remember your child at Christmas

Christmas is a time of heightened emotions, which can be particularly difficult when you’re grieving a beloved child. At Chestnut Tree House, we work with families to create special memories before and after bereavement. Here, our bereavement family liaison Helen Harvey shares her tips on remembering a child at Christmas.

Above: Homemade Christmas decorations at Chestnut Tree House

• Display their creations. At this time of year, children often bring home artwork from nursery or school. When a child dies, one of the many sadnesses is that there will be no new creations to display. Sometimes it is helpful to bring out their artwork at special times of year, such as Christmas. For families in the difficult position of preparing to say goodbye, I often work with families to create art from their child’s hand and footprints – mistletoe from footprints, or a reindeer from their hands. That is something that can be brought out year after year.
  We often make Christmas baubles that incorporate the child’s fingerprint, while other decorations include a ribbon cut to the same length as the child, folded up inside with a little note. Both can be hung on the tree for many Christmases to come.

• Keep their story going. This can be especially helpful for siblings. If a child had a favourite toy, you could send it off on its travels – perhaps asking friends and family to take pictures of it making new memories, revisiting favourite places and taking pictures.
• Honour their traditions. If your child had a favourite story, the rest of the family might like to enjoy it together on Christmas Eve. Likewise, if they particularly enjoyed a specific Christmas film, you could make an occasion of watching it, perhaps with hot chocolate and popcorn or their favourite sweets.
• Wear their colours. Another way of honouring them and bringing them into the festivities is to wear their favourite colour. You might also like to wear something of theirs – a hat or a scarf, perhaps.
• Make space for them. This could be as simple as displaying their photo or lighting a candle at the beginning or end of the day. You might also like to set a place for them at your Christmas table, or hang their stocking on the mantelpiece. One family that I’m supporting created a special area in their garden, inspired by the Stars garden at Chestnut Tree House. It was a place of calm for them after their daughter died, so they have made a smaller version with its own water feature, pebbles and plants.
• Buy them a present. You could spend time choosing something they would love, then give it to charity or someone in need. Some of our families choose to donate to a cause dear to their child’s heart.
  We cared for a young woman who was passionate about birds and loved spending time at Arundel Wetland Centre. Her parents like to donate to that charity to keep her memory alive in the place she loved most.
• Treasure the memories. Part of the bereavement support we offer is helping families put together a memory box. Some families use them a lot and find it a great comfort, others just like to know they are there. If you’re comfortable, it can be helpful to open them on a special occasion such as Christmas. That’s also very helpful for siblings, who might like to hold their brother or sister’s favourite toy as a way of remembering them. Smells are very evocative, so some people put a special perfume or baby products in their memory box as a way of feeling close to their child.
• Hold them close. Having a tangible connection is so precious and memory bears and quilts are increasingly popular with our families. They can be created using a child’s favourite clothes or blankets – perhaps also something belonging to a sibling, so they are involved. Some people bring memory bears to family events as a symbol of their child and to keep them at the heart of the festivities.
• Listen to their voice. For those yet to say goodbye, we encourage all our families to think about compiling digital memories for the future. The Blackbird Project is a service that enables hospice patients to record their own music, poems, thoughts or messages. We are delighted to be bringing it to Chestnut from our sister hospice, St Barnabas House. Children or young people can sing a favourite song, tell jokes or tell a story – whatever it is, it gives a real insight into their life and character, which will become even more precious after they have died.
• Write them a letter. Here at Chestnut, we encourage families – including siblings – to write letters to their child that has died. This can be very comforting and a reminder that although they may be gone, the love you shared will never fade.