How walking helped me process my grief

My daughter Lola was creative and bookish. Like many teenagers, she tried out a lot of things, but she particularly enjoyed writing and dancing.

It was in autumn 2020, when Lola was 14, that she was diagnosed with Ewing sarcoma, a type of bone cancer. Unfortunately, she was very unwell for a year, but I think we had the best possible experience during a terrible, terrible time. And that was thanks partly to Chestnut Tree House.

Initially, Lola was so unwell that she was in hospital constantly – we’d just come home each week to get new clothes – but as she got slightly better, she was able to come home for a few days at a time. That’s when the Chestnut nurses started to visit.

Sometimes they brought activities for Lola, and that allowed us to have some time out of the house. It also meant we could give Lola a bit of space. Generally, it was hard to do that because of her health – we couldn’t leave her alone for long.

Simon and daughter Lola, who died at just 15

Accessing support after bereavement

Sadly, Lola never got to visit the House while she was alive, but I can’t overstate how amazing Chestnut was for us after she died. However strange it might sound to someone who hasn’t been through it, the ability to spend time with your lost child is such a gift.

The three of us spent three days with her in the Stars bereavement suite, being cared for away from all the practical worries of life.

Everyone makes their own decision about when to detach from their lost child and re-engage with life. Chestnut continues to support our family and all three of us – me, my wife Jo and our son – have had counselling. It’s been brilliant in terms of having a safe space to explore our emotions and thoughts.

It’s also helped me to see a way forward. When you lose a child, a lot of things seem to lose their meaning. It was through talking therapy in my counselling sessions that I was able to work out strategies for the future.

People always ask how you do it, and the truth is you do it because there’s no other option. You do it for the sake of the other people who loved her. You do it for the sake of your partner, your other children – her brother, who misses her so much. He was 17 and in the middle of his A levels when Lola died. I’m very sensitive to the fact that Lola had good friends, and they all lost her too.

We became empty nesters far ahead of schedule, but the continuing contact with Chestnut has been very useful and healthy to maintain. Sometimes we visit the memorial garden, where there’s a pebble in the water feature for every child who has died. It’s a nice, calm place to sit and reflect.

Simon and friends walked the South Downs in memory of Lola

How walking helped with my mental health

After Lola died in August 2021, we wanted to give something back to the charities that helped us, and walking seemed an achievable way of doing that.

My first sponsored walk was in the year after Lola died, from Eastbourne to Hove. I was probably still in shock, and I have vague recollections of it – most of them about how sore my knees were, the Seven Sisters should come with a health warning – but it was good fun and the camaraderie was something special.

I did that first walk, as well as my most recent fundraising journey across the South Downs from Winchester to Arundel, with two long-standing friends. We’ve helped each other through some difficult moments, and they have been very supportive since Lola died.

The three of us found that walking worked quite well for us, in terms of both physical and mental health. I enjoy a walk on my own, particularly if I have a problem to kick around, but walking in a group is a great way to connect with people. Without being too stereotypical, men don’t talk enough about what’s on their mind or about their problems. From what I’ve observed, women are much better at it. When you’re walking with someone, there’s a bit less pressure on the conversation.

I’ve found it so beneficial myself that I set up a local walking group around where we live in Lindfield. It’s amazing when you get chatting to people and find out some of the amazing things they’ve done and places they’ve travelled.

I always feel better after doing some physical exercise and the endurance challenges have been very good for me. You just feel wonderful when you’ve done it and it’s so rewarding being able to help the organisations that helped us.

We have now raised £12,000 in Lola’s memory, and we are still going – I’m planning next year’s walking challenge now. Incredibly, she has been gone four years now, but people have such strong, happy memories of her. She’s very much missed, but her life continues to be celebrated and that is such a comfort to us.

You can donate to Simon’s latest fundraising challenge at www.justgiving.com/page/simon-geere-chestnut