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When words don’t feel enough – how to support a friend when their baby has died

Published on: 09/10/2024

By Chris Gercke, Chaplain

Each October, Baby Loss Awareness Week (9–15 October 2024) marks a nationwide time of reflection to support families facing the loss of a child, whether during pregnancy, birth, or shortly afterwards. Chestnut Tree House Chaplain Chris Gercke shares his thoughts and experiences of helping bereaved families at this time. 

What can I say to a friend or loved one who has lost a baby? 

If you find yourself facing this situation, first of all I want to share my love and thoughts with you. Supporting a friend who has experienced the loss of their baby can feel daunting. We may feel out of our depth and worry about saying the wrong thing. Feelings like this can lead to a sort of paralysis, where we are too frightened to do or say anything. Sadly, this may add to a sense of isolation that your bereaved friend might be feeling. 

  • Nothing you can do or say will take away the pain of bereavement. It might feel like you need to say or do something to make things feel less painful.  However, often what your friend might need is for you to just be there as a compassionate friend.   Of course, everyone is unique, and so always bear in mind that what may be helpful for one person, may be unhelpful for another. What’s important is to listen and be led by the bereaved parent. 
  • A good a place to start is by acknowledging their loss, and giving them permission, if they want to, to talk about it. So you could say something like, ‘I am so sorry to hear about [baby’s name]. That must be really painful. Would you like to tell me about him/her?’ In my role, supporting families at Chestnut Tree House we are led by each family, their situation, and what they tell us they need. It may be that your friend is comfortable with talking about their loss in that moment. Or, if you sense that they may prefer not to, let them know that you are there to talk to if they want to.   
  • If you’re not able to speak to your friend or see them in person, then a short message to acknowledge their  loss, letting them know you are thinking of them, sending them your love, through a card in the post, or just a message on the phone can be really comforting, especially if they are feeling isolated. 
  • When supporting a friend, it’s good to let them know it is OK to talk with you about their loss. Opening up that space, if they want it, can be a powerful beacon of light in a dark time; they may not move immediately towards it, but they know it is there. 
Memorial angel and flowers

Take part in active listening 

When supporting a bereaved friend, it’s important to listen with all our senses. Be mindful of their body language, listening to the things unsaid as well as that spoken of. Through active and compassionate listening you will get a sense of how much your friend may want to talk, or not; and how best to support them at that moment.  

When I speak with parents, I might begin by asking them if they want to tell me something about their baby. Many parents will have chosen a name for their child, and it’s important to use that because you are honouring and recognising their baby as person by doing so. For some parents, there may be a particular significance behind the name they have chosen, and this can be a safe place to begin a supporting conversation. Whatever they choose to share, listen with love and compassion, letting them lead the conversation and focus on their experience. 

While we may not know the pain of their loss we can stand alongside our friends, in the midst of their grief. That may not feel a comfortable place to be, but in doing so, we may be able to reduce that feeling of isolation and sense of being alone in their grief. 

Managing your own feelings when a baby has died 

It can be upsetting to see a friend experiencing the pain of loss. Supporting a bereaved friend may stir up our own experiences of loss and grief. Managing how you feel may not seem like a priority and people sometimes worry about getting upset and making the situation about themselves. 

We’re all human, though, and showing your empathy, gently, can help make a connection at times like this. In order to be strong for your friend, however it’s important to look after yourself and acknowledge that supporting a friend whose baby has died can be emotionally draining. Take time for yourself so you can be in the strongest place to support your friend and focus on their needs. Don’t be afraid to seek support for yourself if you need it. 

It’s important to remain sensitive to how your friend’s needs may change over time, while also not fixating on the power of time to heal. That concept can be unhelpful. In one model of grief, created by Lois Tonkin, it talks about ‘growing around your grief.’ This model talks about how rather than grief becoming smaller over time, instead a person’s life and experiences grow around it. So, thinking of it this way, we can realise and acknowledge its existence, and its place within our lives. For you, the supporting friend of family member, going along on the journey and not holding yourself or your loved one to a specific time frame is important.  

gRAPHIC OF THE MODEL OF GRIEF OVER TIME

Above: Tonkin’s model of grief 

How to remember a baby who has died 

Parents often tell me they feel more isolated over time. While immediately after the death of their child, friends and family may be in touch with comforting messages, such messages of support may drop off. As supporting friends, we can be mindful of what those key moments might be, such as significant anniversaries. As with everything, a family’s experience of this will be unique. Let them know that you are still thinking of them, and don’t be afraid to ask what is most helpful for them, rather than making assumptions. 

Sometimes a family may want to go a special place on anniversaries. Here at Chestnut Tree House, we have a Memory Garden where our bereaved parents may place a pebble with their child’s name on. Others may want to plant a tree, or special flowers at home. Wherever a family chooses, that place is special because it allows them the space to be with their thoughts and remember their child in a way that is right for them.  

Some people find a lot of comfort in journaling, that is, writing down their thoughts, feelings and memories. Some may want to share the story of their child as a way of honouring their memory and giving comfort to others. 

At Chestnut Tree House we often support parents to create a memory box. This could hold important objects like baby scans, or perhaps a lock of hair. We have made imprints of hands and feet, too, which are treasured by families. Or perhaps it’s a letter lovingly written to their baby with a description of what the baby looked like, the clothes he or she wore, their weight. These can be a safe place to keep treasured memories and create a shared experience of their life, no matter how short. 

Above Left: The memory garden at Chestnut Tree House. Right: The memory tree in Reflections, a space for contemplation

Join in the Wave of Light 

Each Baby Loss Awareness Week we take part in the Wave of Light on the 15 October at 7pm. This is a special time to join with others from around the world in the lighting of a candle in memory of all babies that have died too soon. At Chestnut Tree House, we invite our families to join us for this in a special ceremony, tying ribbons to a tree for each life, and lighting our own candles. Together, the glow of these individual lights shines brightly together, and we find a huge amount of comfort in that. 

If you’d like to light your own candle, we will be releasing a short video of a candle lighting with accompanying comforting words for you to play back at any time and this will be published on the 15 October on the Chestnut Tree House YouTube channel. 

Where to go for additional support when a child has died: 

There are some incredible charities supporting families across the UK facing baby loss, so I just wanted to share some of the places to which we direct families and loved ones. I hope this article has been of some comfort, and we send thoughts to you all, wherever you are and whatever your circumstances. You are not alone. 

Further support 

  • Miscarriage Association: support and information to anyone affected by pregnancy loss .
  • Tommys: information and support for anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby. 
  • Lullaby Trust:  confidential bereavement support to anyone affected by the sudden and unexpected death of a baby or young child. 
  • Sands: supporting anyone affected by pregnancy loss or the death of a baby. 
  • Plus there are specific charities to help guide Muslim, Jewishand Sikh parents.