How to talk to older children and teenagers about illness, death and dying

Talking about grief – before or after a loved one has died – is an important part of working through it. Teenagers sometimes deal with their emotions differently from adults so when discussing difficult subjects, it’s important to meet them where they are. Here, family counsellor Erika Emerson gives her tips for talking about illness, death and dying.

Include the young person and share information with them. They often know something is wrong and leaving them guessing can lead to them making incorrect assumptions

Ten things you need to know when talking to older children about illness, death and dying

1. Include the young person and share information with them. They often know something is wrong and leaving them guessing can lead to them making incorrect assumptions.
2. Be open and honest. If they ask a question, it usually means they are ready for the answer. Be open and honest using clear, simple language and avoiding ambiguous phrases for death such as “gone to sleep.”
3. Encourage discussion. Use open questions and phrases such as “tell me more” and “what do you think?” to prompt more than a yes/no response. Often, they will reveal information that you wouldn’t think to ask.
4. Validate their views. Letting them know that you understand their point of view, even if differs from your own, shows you value them. It’s very easy to tell them not to worry, but worrying is understandable sometimes. Validating their views /feelings helps them measure and revise their reactions.
5. Use self-disclosure. Parents often assume that they are protecting their young person by not revealing their own personal feelings – but self-disclosure by parents can be a useful barometer, helping young people evaluate their own experience and showing that it is okay to share.
6. Go with digressions. Changing the subject allows the young person to move the conversation away from something that is distressing for them. By changing the topic, they can talk about less troubling issues and return to the original topic when the conversation has become less intense.
7. Eye contact. Young people will often avoid eye contact or fidget. Again, this distracts from the intensity of the conversation. It might be best to ignore it – telling them “Look at me when I am talking to you” often turns into an argument that isn’t productive.
8. Use praise when relevant. Developmentally, young people are at a stage when they are continually questioning themselves and their achievements. They naturally use praise when they’re talking to each other – adults can do the same when appropriate. This might be particularly relevant when they are receiving less validation from friends.
9. Be direct. Young people are much more direct with each other about their dislikes and likes than adults are. It can be very useful to follow a similar pattern in conversation, while still showing regard for their views.
10. Matching emotional expressions. Young people tend to be quite dynamic in their conversation with each other. Don’t be over the top as they will see through this, but maybe think about being more energised in conversation and less flat. Mirroring in this way can encourage communication.

How to support a teenager grieving a friend or contemporary

Losing a friend or contemporary is deeply upsetting at any age. Supporting a child or young person grieving for their friend is a delicate but important process.

Grieving is a natural response, and it is important to recognise that the death of a loved one or a friend is not something that we can fix.

The aim is to help them feel safe and understood – so they know they are not alone in their grief.

Create a space to talk, but don’t force it. Just being present for them is helpful. Let the child or young person know that is okay to talk about their friend and how they feel. Some children want to talk a lot, others may not. Silence doesn’t mean they’re not grieving.

Validate their feelings. You might say: “It’s okay to feel really sad or even angry. Losing a friend hurts.” Avoid saying things like “They are in a better place,” which can minimise their grief.

Daily routine is important, so keep to your usual schedule as far as possible. But it’s also important to be flexible – concentrating on schoolwork, having enough sleep and coping with strong emotions will be a challenge for a while.

You might like to encourage them to express feelings in different ways: drawing, writing letters to their friend, making a memory box or planting a tree. This will help externalise their pain in a healthy way.

Ask the child or young person to share happy memories of their friend, or do something the friend enjoyed. It helps integrate the loss, rather than avoid it.

It’s perfectly fine to show your own sadness – this gives permission for the child to feel and heal.

You can find more resources and advice for parents and carers supporting grieving children from Winston’s Wish.

Schools also play an important part in supporting their pupils. Winston’s Wish also has resources and guidance for schools.