A Chestnut dad’s guide to grief

When we lost our baby boy, Loui, my wife Zoe and I had our own ways of dealing with things. I think generally, men and women deal with grief differently. In our case it took me a lot longer to recognise the impact of our loss on my emotions.

I felt a sense of responsibility as a man to ensure my wife was coping. I really struggled with seeing Zoe upset, but not only was I unable to fix the problem, I was also unable to help her talk it out. Unknowingly, I was suppressing my feelings to make sure I still made it out the door for work every day.

Accessing support was quite difficult for me initially – believe it or not, there isn’t an obvious place to turn. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do straight away, as it took me time to process the feelings around what had happened. But as time went on, my need became stronger. I explored a couple of different outlets early on, but when Zoe and her counsellor Erika introduced me to Chestnut Tree House, I instantly felt part of a helping community. Chestnut’s support gave me so much more confidence in everyday life.

Dad Owen says it took a lot longer for him to recognise the impact of their loss on his emotions

Struggling to answer the question “Do you have any kids?”

Sadly, I don’t think there is as much willingness amongst men to share what we are going through. Very early on, I commonly found myself in situations which were extremely tough and heartbreaking.

I work in the construction industry, which has a very ‘get on with it’ attitude. Working on big jobs, there are so many different contractors involved. It’s hard to keep your head down and not think about it when you meet three to four new people a day and the most common question is “Do you have any kids?”

That simple question can make your whole world feel like it’s closing in.

Finding support at Chestnut

I first visited Chestnut while Zoe was having counselling. The grounds instantly resonated with us both. There was a sense of comfort and familiarity, despite it being the first time I’d ever visited. At the time, Zoe and I were searching for a place that we could call Loui’s remembrance spot. Within 20 minutes of sitting on the tree stumps, looking into the water feature, our hearts were set.

A few months after this, I met Roz. Chestnut had kindly set up weekly counselling sessions for me with a wonderful member of the team. The main thing I found difficult about accessing the support was trying to fit it around my busy working life, but this was no problem at all for Roz, as we set up remote online meetings once a week to suit my routine.

Initially, I found it hard to know exactly what I wanted to say and what I wanted to get out of the sessions, but Roz gave me the chance to speak about whatever was on my mind, no matter how insignificant it might have felt. It surprised me how much it helped having an avenue to express my thoughts. I very quickly began to look forward to our sessions as a time of reflection and self-improvement.

I learnt so much from my counselling and one of the most important things I took away was to put myself first. After we lost Loui, I tried to keep myself busy to protect myself from how I was feeling. I felt as though taking time out to process what had happened was limiting myself and holding me back. What my journey with Roz showed me was that being kind to yourself and finding the time to explore your emotions is the most important part of progression, and a crucial part of dealing with grief.

The Memorial Garden at Chestnut is a special place for Zoe and me. When life gets a bit much, we go there in the evening, sit in the pagoda, and reflect. We feel a connection with our little boy there.

Mum Zoe stands at the pagoda fitted with lights and heating in Chestnut Memorial Garden

A light in the darkness

Being an electrician, I thought there might be an opportunity to elevate the pagoda by fitting lights and heating. It would mean we and other families could use it more frequently on darker, colder nights.

Initially, I was concerned I would be overstepping the mark by suggesting it, but the hospice welcomed the idea and that filled me with so much joy. I’m glad that I could give something back to a charity that has helped me so much and at the same time be part of creating a space in which parents like us can find comfort on the tougher days.

In a way, doing the work in the grounds felt as though I was allowing Loui to live on and enrich the lives of others – it’s part of his legacy.