Stronger together: how bereaved parents can support each other

At Chestnut Tree House,  we offer our support to families long after their child has died. Here, Family Liaison Sarah Goldsmith describes the programme of activities we offer for bereaved families – and the ways they help each other.

Every child and young person we care for is the centre of somebody’s world. That’s why part of the care we offer is support for the people who love them: mums, dads, grandparents, siblings and carers. Often, that support continues long after the child has died.

No-one wants to think about the death of a child, which is part of the reason it can feel so isolating when you’re the one going through it. Sometimes people even avoid seeing bereaved families because they don’t know what to say.

I’m Sarah, and I’m the Family Liaison here at Chestnut Tree House. That means I work with families to ensure we’re offering the right support for them, complementing the work of our clinical teams. We offer a programme of events across Sussex and South East Hampshire for bereaved parents and carers, from pottery classes, pampering sessions and wreath-making to curry nights and a pub quiz.

People often say that my job must be hard, but I love it. It is a huge privilege to hear parents talk about their child and share their memories.  I’m not a counsellor, but I can listen to them and validate their feelings. It makes me happy to know that I’ve lightened their load.

Growing together through grief

After a child dies, we provide a bereavement key worker who can help with practical matters (from arranging the funeral to returning medical equipment), as well as giving emotional support. We offer counselling for those that want it, with therapists who specialise in this area.

In the early days after a child dies, there is usually a lot of support from friends and loved ones. But after a certain point, it can seem like everyone else moves on, leaving their immediate family feeling totally lost.  We are here to help families through that, but we also recognise that sometimes, the best people to talk to are others who have gone through the pain of losing a child.  That’s why we host regular get-togethers where families can meet, share experiences, and support each other.

We’re lucky to have the support of some lovely local businesses, too. Recently, for example, Mowgli Street Food in Brighton hosted a group of bereaved and non-bereaved mums for a fun mocktail-making session followed by lunch. It was so encouraging to see them chatting and smiling together: one mum said it was the first time in years that she had taken time out just for herself.

Activities and craft sessions are popular, and I think that’s because it’s easier to talk when you’re doing something with your hands. People have created some beautiful tributes to their children, particularly at the pottery events.

A group of bereaved and non-bereaved mums takes part in one of our events, this one hosted by Mowgli Street Food, Brighton.

Meeting others with shared experience

Sometimes, making a connection is as simple as going out for a coffee. Recently, I introduced two mums who were both quite recently bereaved. We went to a cafe and stayed for four hours. They talked, they cried, and most importantly they understood each other. They were able to validate each other’s feelings and reassure each other that everything they were feeling was normal. That was a lifeline for both women.

We also run sessions for grandparents, for whom the grieving process can be very complex. They’re mourning their own loss, while also supporting their own child through an indescribably painful time. Often, they take on the role of caregiver, carrying the load for the whole family, which can take a toll. Coming for a coffee and a pastry with other Chestnut grandparents every couple of months makes a huge difference.

Some bereaved parents act as mentors to others. If they are further on in their grief, they may have knowledge they can share, and doing so brings them real fulfilment. Advice on something like how to manage the return to work is invaluable, and it is best given by someone who has been through the same thing.

This pottery session was for mums whose children are being supported by Chestnut Tree House. We also run these sessions for bereaved families too.

Respecting each person’s grief journey

In this, as in all things, we are led by the individual and their needs. Some non-bereaved families would find it very difficult spending time with bereaved parents and vice versa. For others, it is hugely beneficial and helps them see that there is life after bereavement.

There is no right way to grieve – what works for one person won’t be right for another. At Chestnut, we want to walk alongside families as they navigate the hardest of times, and help them support each other.

Grief can be a lonely journey, but it doesn’t have to be. Being together, and offering that space to just ‘be’ is so important, and I’m glad to be able to step alongside people when they need it most.